Keelhauled !! Well, Almost....

Had a brainwave last night: Phoned a friend and suggested we go surfing at 5 am. The cold front had just come through and our conversation went something like this:

"Hi, Glen ??"

"Ja, Hi bru. How are you?"

"I'm cool."

"So, what have you got going on tomorrow?"

"Nothing much. A lecture at 9, Why?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a surf tomorrow at five. Actually you don't really have any choice in the matter, I'm just phoning to tell you that you are taking us to the beach. If you don't, Ill just come over there and break your hip!"

"Uh, sure, see you at five then!" (trying to sound optimistic and cheerful)

"Great, see you then mate!!!"

"Bye"

"Bye".....

Ah the gentle art of persuasion. I (unlike others) have clearly read the book How to win friends and influence people and am successfully putting the principles I learned into practice.

So down to the beach we go. We are both champing at the bit the whole way down (its a 45 min. drive) because we haven't ridden anything in ages. We get there and much to our dismay, the sea is very rough (but not that big - only 5 foot or so) and the break is not handling it very well. Some waves were breaking out at about 3 km from shore (they were rather large). Anyway, we paddle out in the frigid water (it normally gives you an ice - cream headache). After a while it becomes evident to both of us that we have a snowball's hope in hell of getting out to backline so we turn around and head in.

I catch a giant foamie and go almost all the way in. Then I start getting sucked back into the freakin' rip!!! Now, an experienced surfer like myself has no cause to worry about this - just a slight irritation really. The only problem is, experience only counts when you are fit. I (read my previous post - "Faster: The acceleration of just about everything") am categorically unfit. I made the fatal mistake of thinking that I was fit.

Now, the number one rule of ripcurrents is: "don't fight them". These words of wisdom only hold true however, when there aren't viciously sharp slices of mango (sorry, that was the other day's post. I mean rocks) vicioulsy sharp rocks which waves are breaking into right next to you and you aren't being pushed into said rocks by the waves.

Now if you know anything about the sea and rocks and surfing, you will know three things:

1) getting washed onto barnacle - covered rocks in anything bigger than a small sea is not conducive to long life and happiness.

2) Fibreglass surfboards and rocks have a long history of enmity between them, and when fibreglass meets rock, the rock usually wins.

3) Ditto for human flesh/heads and rock.

So in any case here I am getting pushed into these rocks. Now, I can see exactly what's going to happen. In fact, I can picture it in my mind: I am going to paddle along (get taken out to sea) by the rip, try to swim across and end up right where I began next to the viciously sharp rocks. This will continue for a while and like a fly trapped in a bottle, I will sooner or later (sooner actually) give up from exhaustion and get washed into the rocks anyway. My skin will be peeled from my body like an onion and I will float around until I am claimed by a massive shark. The shark will not kill me but leave me - just a torso and a head now , alive to bob slowly up and down until death claims me an hour later.

In a moment of suicidal clarity I decide that I might as well get it over with now and save everybody the time and effort. I turn around and start heading for the rocks. At this point my mate thinks I've just lost the plot and stares on incredulous. Somehow I manage to land on a submerged rock and get to a relatively big, flat rock on which I am now kneeling. The water, up to this point, had been going out. Then I look behind me and I know I'm about to die. About five meters away a sizey beast of a wave is about to heave it's guts all over the the rocks. I am in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun!!! Seconds from death, my life flashes before my eyes and I'm looking heavenward and going "Ok, Lord. Now would be the time when you step in and hold back the waters like in Exodus/make me able to fly/ allow me to walk calmly on top of the water and out of this mess!!!!". Nothing. Wave about to break... OH POO!!!!

I brace myself for the worst and a split - second later, I feel the jarring impact of the wave. My left hand is already out to steady myself and with my right I am gripping my surfboard in the vain hope that I might save it from being dashed to peices. I feel a calm, almost ethereal feeling and think to myself "Oh, that wasn't so bad! Relatively quick and painless. Going to miss my folks though!! But now that I'm in Heaven everythings going to be fine. Then I'm jolted back to reality and I'm like "Ohmigosh!! I'm Alive!!! I didn't even move. Board still fine, me still fine. Ok. Best get going. So I manage to get behind a relatively big rock and use that for shelter. Another wave breaks over me, and I am still unscathed. When the water has receded, I make a dash up the side of the pier and get to safety. My mate who is still in the water can't beleive what he's just seen. My miraculous escape!! My board is fine, and I have one very minor scratch. It could have been a lot worse. I guess God was helping me after all. In fact, I pray for protection everytime I go into the surf, so God was faithful to answer.

So that's my exciting news for the day...

Cheerio!!